.Dreams.

So the last few weeks have been some of the busiest weeks I’ve had in a pretty long time. Long days with minimal time for doing other things.

Initially I thought that while it was going to be busy it would be worth it. However, looking back as the busyness begins to slow down just a bit, I’m not really sure it was worth it.  I did this same training last summer and it didn’t go how I would have liked so I spent a lot of energy figuring out what happened and how I could prevent it from happening again this year.

I went into the last couple weeks with a positive mind and was ready for things to be long and intense and what I got was something frustrating and more challenging than I could have imagined even though going in I was sure I was as prepared as I could possibly. The training hadn’t even started yet and we were given some news that literally flipped everything I knew and had been preparing for on its head. From that moment everything was different, sure some of the preparation was still useful but everything I had known was now different and I had nothing to go on or any idea what to expect. 

I have asthma and one of my triggers is smoke, so when the air quality got worse and effected me, I had to avoid being outside as much as possible, the temperature of the classroom would rise and while instincts would be to open the windows to let in the air, I couldn’t let them because with the air they wanted would come the smoke that could potentially lead me to the ER with a severe asthma attack. We had a social the first night, outdoors which meant I had to stay back and hang out in my room alone. It was really hard being in my room alone knowing everyone else on the team was out having fun and getting to know eachother. I knew though that it was the best decision because it would be worse if I landed myself in the ER because I rather socialize with everyone. The smoke lingered for a few days before clearing off for a day and then making its return, I missed a few things because of the smoke which frustrated me deeply because missing things wasn’t part of the plan I had been making all year, nor something that was really okay. I mean sure they said its fine because its my health but at the same time its not because I was missing learning opportunites and training. I was frustrated with my self because so far things felt off to a worse start than the last year and the whole point of the work I had done to prepare was so this year would be better and yet it sure didn’t feel any better, it felt worse really.  I did the best I could limiting my exposure to the smoke and being part of the training. 

I think it was day 3 were I had some struggles getting going in the morning because I was feeling defeated and like I’ve already blown my chance to have a better training than last year. I pulled it together the best I could and met the day. It was day 5 when I really struggled with getting up and ready, I felt like I hadn’t slept and I just couldn’t get out of bed. I made it to training, I looked like a mess and I forgot things that I needed for the day, just wasn’t my day. Our session that day was about sexual violence, we had covered it last year so I figured I would be fine. Yet, given the day I was having I struggled to focus and not judge thoughts I had and I felt like I just couldnt sit there so I got up and left (we were told at the start that it was okay to leave if we needed a minute because its hard to talk about this kind of stuff). I got into the hallway and instantly felt differently, the idea of having to go back inside soon was terrifying but I didn’t know what to do. I was feeling overwhelmed and like I was out of control, I was shaking and fidgeting and just couldn’t settle. I also had experienced a flashback during the session that was bothering me. It was something that happened back a number of years ago that I supressed and had never told anyone about ever, literally no one knew, I don’t think I even wrote it down. I basically found myself in a situation I never thought I would be in and it was something I wish I never have to experience again, nor should anyone else. What I didn’t understand in the moments as I sat in the hallway was why I had the flashback this time, and not last year when I was in this session for the first time. So I sat there thinking and trying to calm my mind as time sped by, I was having some success bringing things down but not nearly what I would have liked or would be seen as appropriate for the length of time I had been in the hallway. Part of the problem was that the one thing I knew would help and the only thing I wanted to do in the moment other than go home and hide was the one thing I literally couldn’t do. I couldn’t call my old counsellor, no matter how badly I needed to talk to her in that moment. You see she retired a couple weeks prior to training starting, which I talked about in my last post. I so badly wished I could talk to her even for a minute because she would know what to say and how to help me figure things out and feel okay enough to go back inside. It was then suggested to me that I should reach out to the new counsellor even though she barely knows me yet and I should try to talk with her. As much as I didn’t want to, I tried but she wasn’t available. It made me feel worse because not only was I having trouble but I also had no support. I made another call to another type of support and tried to work through my brain. It was decided that maybe I needed to go reset/restart my day so during my lunch break I went home and got up and got ready again the way I should have that morning and went back for the afternoon sessions. I managed to get through the afternoon in the classroom thanks to my restart. The way this day went was not better than the day last year that we covered the same topics so yet another thing had been worse than last year and I was really getting frustrated with myself.

I had a few alright days after that and some struggle days. Another thing that really frustrated me was that other people had posted about doing things as a group and people responded and went, including myself. Then when I posted similarly wanting a group to go for dinner. I got basically ignored, two people said they would come though so I had hope but when the time came no one showed including the people who said they would be there. It was defeating. Like is there something wrong with me? Could you really not be bothered to tell me the truth and just say you can’t or don’t want to come. I wish I could say things improved after this but I honestly can’t because they didn’t. I started hearing during training about how they all went and did stuff together that I hadn’t even been invited to, no one would talk to me during breaks either. It was pretty isolating. When we had group things, I got passed over or if I managed to get a word in I was wrong or they weren’t impressed with what I said even if it was right. I was stuck being part of a team that didn’t want me and I honestly don’t think had I just not showed up one day they would have noticed. I made it to the end of training somehow and then it was time for move-in day 2017. I was looking forward to it because it mean’t that there would be new people in the building and it wouldn’t just be the team I don’t fit in with anymore.

Well, I was wrong we still had plenty to do as a team and a just as busy schedule.  I tried to make the best of move-in day and push myself to meet as many people as I could. It was tricky because everyone was busy moving in and getting settled. I tried though. Then as events began happening that the team was running I went to the ones I needed to be at but couldn’t bring myself to be at others because I don’t know about you but I’m not going to choose to be around let alone help people who don’t want me around. I was also getting a cold from not having any down time so my energy was zapped to begin with.  Something else you should know is that within the team we are put in pairs to work together on a floor. Well, during training my pair would at least acknowledge me and treat me like a person and once training ended we began to have issues almost instantly. It got to the point that at midnight one night we had an argument where he insulted my intelligence, called me a liar, told me I don’t know anything, said he doesn’t really care about this position and is only going to do the minimum and that I need to step up my work and that we don’t need to get along to work together and leave him alone.  I honestly felt like walking out of that lounge and packing my stuff and leaving the building that night. I didn’t even know what to think after that, it also wasn’t the end of the problems either. Any time I say anything to him he gets mad at me and is short with me.  I literally don’t know how we are supposed to work together, I’m afraid to communicate with him and yet there are requirements of our job that need us to complete them together. I tried to talk to the person above us about it and that didn’t really do anything except lead me to feel like what has been happening isn’t a big deal and its just a case of we havent planned things out. Which I’m sorry but being disrespected like I have been is not a planning issue its a respect issue. I feel like I’m not doing very well at this position so far because stuff hasn’t been getting done how its supposed to and I’m going to end up doing all of the work. I feel like honestly if I need to do all of the work, don’t bother giving me a pair. I already know my floor is suffering because stuff isn’t being done but I don’t know what else to do because its a two person job that requires us to work together and communicate. So I’m at a loss, I don’t fit on the team and things are bad between my pair and I.

What really gets me though is that, growing up I was never allowed to be on a team. So it was something I dreamed about being part of, and something I was jealous of that everyone else had in some capacity. Part of my desire for this position came from the fact it was a team and we would be working together, I was so looking forward to being part of a team finally, I had dreamed about it for so long and I had finally found something I could do that involved being part of a team and after waiting all of last year to be called up and not being this year was finally my turn to be on the team. It was literally a dream come true for me to get to tell my family and friends I had earned a spot on this team. I was so stoked. Yet as training began a few weeks ago it started to fade from a dream back to the nightmare I’ve lived basically my whole life, where I don’t fit in and no one wants to be around me or include me in anything. I tried all through training despite the smoke in the air and the limits that placed on me to be part of things and belong but I don’t know whats wrong with me that despite my best efforts I couldn’t. Its so bad that someone I called a friend previously actually started ignoring me and not wanting anything to do with me despite my efforts to connect with her. I’m also at a loss about this because, what changed when we both got positions that she decided I’m nothing anymore.  There has to be something wrong with me that I can’t see about me that leads 99% of people to want nothing to do with me. I honestly feel like it would have been less crushing to not have earned a position than how crushing it is to earn your dream and it to turn out the way mine has. I’ve caught myself wishing I had never accepted the alternate spot or the actual spot a few times in the last few weeks because it just hasn’t been great for me. Don’t get me wrong, the tasks I’ve done for the position and my floor have been good and I’ve enjoyed them but the trying to make things work with my pair and not belonging on the team is just killing me.

There is 1 thing that has felt dream worthy, it was a moment I had walking down a hallway while on duty wearing my red vest that felt surreal to me because I used to watch duty staff walk around in their vests and imagine myself in one doing the same thing and wish so badly I could do that too. In that one moment a couple nights ago I felt so proud and like someone should pinch me because I couldn’t believe I was actually on duty, and wearing a red vest. The moment sadly didn’t last and in with everything else thats going on i’m really wondering if its worth it to hold out longer just to get to wear the vest more. A part of me believes that as nice as it would be to get to wear that vest again and again the rest of the crap makes it not worth it and it would be best for me just to move on from the position and figure out a new plan away from this building and everything I’ve been through here. I mean I guess being able to put the vest on even once was part of the dream so leaving wouldn’t be a complete loss because  I got to experience it. I don’t really know what else to do to make this work or get through all the negatives. The thought of moving on is bittersweet because I could have made a difference here and I would have been good at the position but being part of a team that is supposed to have my back and doesn’t and a pair that i’m afraid to communicate with doesn’t set me up very well for success.

Then there is the fact that the 1 person who actually cares and gives a crap about me and believes I can do this without a doubt moves out in 4 sleeps. Its been tough but even though we didn’t talk much I still knew he was on my side and that I wasn’t totally alone in this building. Well, now I will be and I don’t know if I can handle that. I’ve always had at least 1 person in this building that actually wanted anything to do with me and now I won’t. I know the friendship won’t be over but I’ll be alone in the building.

Even though I don’t entirely know what I’m going to do right now and things are as hard as they are, my fish is still alive and has started responding to my voice so thats a positive.

I’ve also rambled on quite a bit tonight so I’m going to leave this here for now, and if you’ve read all the way to this point please know I appreciate it 1000% and Thank you for taking the time to read through this post it was a doozy.

Untill next time!

-C